A Mirror Image

Once again, the man found himself standing in front of the mirror. Three months have passed since he foolishly jumped. Body upright, chest puffed out. Head slightly tilted backwards. Just as he was taught. But this time, he was not staring at perfection. Scars marred his well sculpted body, ugly gashes that stood out, like hot pink on a black canvas. He had obviously been through a lot. 

Behind him, his mobile phone buzzed on the table. And again. And again. Bored girls from his long list. Seriously, they drove him nuts sometimes. But he would be just as nuts without them.

He turned his attention back towards the mirror, but his image had been replaced. The image in front of him was of uncanny resemblance, yet with a more feminine touch. Gone was the painstakingly styled hair. Long flowing hair took its place. Gone were the bulky muscles that he took pride and joy in, replaced by a leanness that was both attractive and inviting. Breasts spilled out where his Chest would be, and way below that…

It was so eerie yet surreally alluring. Even the scars that haunted him were prominently on display in his “reflection”. The man met the woman’s eyes. And he realized it wasn’t just the physical scars they shared. 

In her eyes, he saw himself. Not just the bad, but also the good. Every little perfect imperfection. He knew that she would get his jokes. He knew that she would share his hunger, his insatiable appetite. Most importantly, he knew she would share every feeling that he would have, for better or for worse.

And together, they would be a perfect fit.

But how weird is it to date yourself?

Overwhelmed, the man stepped back.

And she stepped forward.

Out of the mirror.

Dead silence.

And then everything that was meant to be would be.

 

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I Will Set You Free.

The big black bird lay miserably in its cage. Legs tethered to the cold cruel standing post, such that even within the confinements of its cage, it was unable to feel freedom. It cawed miserably into the darkness, a lone solitary cry, heard by no one. 

It’s horrible, how societal pressure, parental pressure, peer pressure can all force us to do things that do not make us happy. If our parents are the epitome of undying and unrequited love, it is extremely ironic that they try to take away the ultimate goal in life, our happiness. They fail to understand that the best choices are the ones we make ourselves even if its not the right choice, because to achieve happiness from the life choices of another person will never truly make one happy. Horrible peers, who claim to care for you, but then turn their back on us if we go against what they deem is acceptable. Not knowing that the ultimate sign of care is respecting their friend’s decision and supporting them no matter what. Society, who rudely claims that anyone who does not follow its norm will be mocked and scorned by the rest of mankind.

I hate all of that. And so I promise you, I will free you from the very chains that bind you. The people who try to control you, dictate who to be and how to act. I will turn all of it into ashes. After all, you did say I was the one good thing that makes you happy. I can’t standby and watch you accept that your life is meant to be unhappy.

I’ve been through so many bad experiences, I’ve learnt to be emotionally unattached. To do bad things and not feel bad. I picked up the art of persuasion, to make people do things they would otherwise never do. I learnt how my words can control people, invoke reactions just as I use the words on my blog to invoke emotion. I even know a plethora of ways to really physically hurt a person, a tribute to my time in the army as a close combat instructor.

So in the chaos that is this piece of writing, know that I will make it happen. One way or another. I will make you smile freely again, even if it means you’ll have to cry first. Sometimes, you just can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. And I will destroy the whole damn chicken farm if I have to.

And sometime in the not so distant future, the raven will spread its wings. Eyes glinting from the reflection of the sun, it will cackle happily to itself. And then it will soar. Into the blissful freedom of the skies.

You.

The shark glided effortlessly through the water, a tiny figure in the seemingly vast and never ending ocean. As it swam, it was constantly alert. On the watch for prey. Oh how weak and fragile everything else seemed to it. The shark was the king of the sea, and everything else feared it. Yet, such a position never guarantees happiness. You see, the very same drive to satisfy an insatiable appetite that made it so renowned also cursed the shark. To hunt and hunt and hunt, but never really catch anything. To eat and eat and eat, but never really feel full. Sometimes, the shark just wanted to take a break. Just stop and enjoy everything else the ocean has to offer. But it couldn’t. To stop swimming is to embrace death for a shark, it would stop receiving oxygen and slowly but surely start to sink into the abyss below. This shark was not ready to die. 

So it swam.

I can still remember the very first time I laid eyes on you. I just finished buying a late Christmas present for my best friend at Ion. The subconscious eye contact. And my conscious decision to say hi. (Friend, if you’re ever reading this, thanks for going to the toilet for such a long time when I brought you guys to get a cup of coffee. Best wing woman ever.) It felt like every girl I ever hit on was for that moment, the perfect first impression.

I still remember our very first date. I’m always teasing you about it. About how nervous you were, and how flustered I made you throughout. But to be honest, I was pretty nervous too. And it felt like every date I ever went on was for that moment. The perfect first date.

Most people believe that the shark is a solitary animal. Living alone as it hunts relentlessly for its next meal. They could not be more wrong. On the contrary, most types of sharks are immensely complex creatures with equally complex social structures. This shark was no exception. But the ocean is a scary and cruel place. One wrong move, and you find yourself at the bottom of the food chain.

So it isolated itself.

I remember how you made me trust you. Open my heart to loving once again. Every minute with you was a minute too little. Every minute apart was a minute too much.

The journey wasn’t easy and the journey is far from over. But as much as “the course of true love never did run smooth”, I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

To be with you.

It’s all worth it.

The shark continued on its fruitless mission to end its hunger. Fish after fish after fish. Eventually it realized that there was no end to this insane cycle of searching, chasing, eating and then searching all over again. It stopped swimming. Stopped receiving oxygen.

And so it fell.

For you.

 

Leap of Faith.

The man stood in front of the mirror. Body upright, chest puffed out. Head slightly tilted backwards. Just as he was taught. The man took a minute to admire the well built, charming figure in front of him. His eyes traced the contours on his body, like an artist admiring his masterpiece. Finally, with a cocky smile and a wink, he put on his T-shirt and made his way to the balcony of his penthouse.

Most men today are ruled by their fears in some form or another. Fear of losing their girlfriend leads to obsessive possessiveness, fear of being put down leads to talking bigger than they should and so on and so forth. If there was two ways to get around a problem, they would opt for the safe route. This man, despite all his outward display of confidence, was no different.

But not today. Today, fear would fear the man. The man slowly but confidently climbed over the railing and propped himself down onto the ledge. A rush of excitement coursed through his body as he realized that there was almost nothing separating him from a horrible death. He lit a cigarette and pulled out his mobile phone. He opened a list of contacts. A sea of numbers from girls that had crossed paths with him. As he smoked, he scrolled down the rather long list, trying to remember all the people on it. The girl with the pink umbrella and long, curly hair. The girl with the bright red heels and deep green eyes. The one night stand. The friend with benefit. The date gone terribly wrong.

His thumb stopped at a particular contact. This girl was special. For the first time in a long while, he wanted something from her. Something… more. The fear he was trying to conquer started to creep into his system again. To put his heart on the line, no back up plans whatsoever. The thought was extremely daunting. But he already came all this way. He would not succumb to fear now.

The man stood up. He took a long drag of the cigarette. A picture came to his mind, something to look forward to.

He exhaled.

And then,

he jumped.

P.S. Unlike the last one, this story actually has a meaning. Go figure :p

Nostalgia.

I went to TKD training for the first time in a long while yesterday. After a long hiatus due to breaking my collarbone, getting shingles and army commitments, I thought I could finally start training regularly again. Guess what happened the next day? I fell sick. Not the typical “chao keng” type of sickness that seems to mysteriously plague NSFs at seemingly convenient times but the I-tried-to-go-to-army-but-ended-up-dying-and-falling-asleep-the-whole-day kind.

And so I got 13 hours of sleep today. Not bad for an insomniac huh? I just finished reading ‘Perks of Being a Wallflower’ and am currently waiting for the movie to finish downloading. It’s an amazing book by the way. So here I am writing, as I usually do when I’m bored and have nothing to do. I know the frequency of my updates is a little bit lackluster but hey, quality over quantity.

While fooling around on the computer today, I stumbled across a whole load of past conversations from the now defunct MSN messenger. I found some pretty hilarious stuff! Check out this poem I came up with and shared with one of my close girl friends (fana, this is you if you remember) as we were discussing how to ask a certain girl to be my girlfriend.

So many girls in the world, yet I found you.

Will you look back to this point, as the start of it all?

You are beautiful, a goddess, perfect, divine.

Please give me a chance, to make your every dream come true.

Be it your endearing smile, or angelic voice, there’s something about you I just can’t resist.

My heart aches to be with you, I know that you’re the one.

Girlfriend? To you, that’s 10 letters. To me, it means the world.

It seems pretty ordinary, until you read the first word of every line. I know. I even surprised myself with this one.

I carried on scrolling through all my conversations before moving on to Facebook messages. It was then that I came to a sad realization that I had a lot of great conversations with people I do not even contact anymore. It was pretty nostalgic, seeing all the witty exchanges and the jokes we shared, knowing it’s been replaced by nothing but silence. I remember sitting down on the computer after training everyday and doing nothing but talk to a lot of people at once on MSN messenger. It was one of the highlights of my mundane life.

I meet tons of new people on a daily basis. Now, its time to try and recontact my old friends and acquaintances! So this is what is going to happen, I will message each and every one of you guys on Facebook and we’ll see if we click as well as we used to. Look forward to it.

Finally, these are my new year resolutions for 2014. Oh how time flies.

1) Cherish the people that are in my life, more than I already do.

2) Make the most out of my army.

3) Get to know more people.

4) Go back to training and not get any serious injuries this year.

5) Continue to grow as a person

Till next time,

Vincent.

There’s a reason for everything.

Why are some children born and raised eating spoonfuls of caviar and organic oats while some are lucky to get even a measly scrap of bread? Why do so many good people die way before their time while the ones that deserve to rot, live to see their children grow old?

I had a classmate in sec 3. We were pretty close, I’d tease him everyday about this girl named Hannah and we would sometimes fight in the back of the class. Although the picture of him getting wedgied by all of us would probably suggest otherwise, he was well loved by his classmates. Heck, I even followed him to judo training once, out of pure youthful enthusiasm.

His name was Ser Yung, and before the end of the year, tragedy struck. He was taken down by an illegal move during a judo competition which put him in a coma. I rushed down to the hospital as soon as I heard the news. There, I met his parents, who were the nicest bunch of folks a kid could have. Imagine their worried looks as the doctor explained that there would be a need for brain surgery. The well raised, friendly and peace loving guy I once knew had his life turned upside down. No more judo, a need to repeat the school year with a new bunch of classmates and many more severe repercussions that I really need not get into.

I’ll come back to Ser Yung later. Since this is my blog, I’m sure it’d be pretty weird not to talk about myself.

I don’t mean to brag, but everyone tells me I’m pretty darn talented. I won’t dispute that. However, I had this major issue of interacting with people. I could honestly say that up to about sec 3/4, I had 0 social skills whatsoever. I was childish, immature, selfish and a whole plethora of other undesirable traits. I was kinda fine with this, but for one little problem. I had no success with girls whatsoever. I can think of like 3-4 crushes I had when I was younger and each of those ‘relationships’ failed oh so miserably. Towards the end of secondary 4 though, I discovered the secret online world of pickup, which is pretty much where all the social losers like myself gathered to discuss girls and how to attract them (I think I literally googled “how to get a girl to like you” or something like that)

JC1 was crazy. Coming from an all boy’s school, I was ecstatic to finally be able to do the stuff I’ve religiously read about for months. I think I had like a few flings and one or two ‘serious’ relationships which actually only lasted a month or two. Soon, I was labelled as a ‘player’ and hated by pretty much all the girls that I wasn’t dating. But it wasn’t like I was breaking hearts because I was a heartless asshole, I actually have a really good memory and I remember almost everything they’ve ever said to me. (Just in case any of you are reading this: Thing’s like “I feel like I’m on the outside looking in”/”You’re not the prince charming that I expected,but it’s very close”/”I really hope this lasts, its special” all the late night walks, or crazy adventures) It’s not that I didn’t have feelings for them, I did, it just…didn’t last.

Then I met her, the girl that would make me stop playing games. The girl who I didn’t have to neg, iv, dhv, dlv, nlp or any of the other pickup terminology I soon realized was pretty pointless. The girl I could just be completely myself, and she loved that. I fell in love. She would get so upset when I so much as talked to another girl that I kinda just stopped talking to other girls altogether.

Nearing 2 years into the relationship though, she cheated on me. I really had the shock of my life. After finally understanding the importance of fidelity, life threw a curve ball at me and all the values I gained flew out the window in a blurring mess.

The incident with Ser Yung, as well as what happened to myself, it really made me question the sanity of the world. Why does tragedy strike when it does? What is the purpose of a tragedy? Why are we even born, to live such a happy life and then have it all cruelly taken away from us in one form or another?

Well, Ser Yung, he actually became one of the most inspirational people I know. Instead of wallowing in his misfortune (although I’m sure he did at one point or another), he grew to become something even more beautiful. He would constantly cheer his friends up and show care and concern for others. On his Facebook, he would constantly write about real life situations, urging people to be more gracious and kind and thanking strangers who shown him kindness. He is living proof that there is a reason for all of us to live. Just the other day he sent me this text: “Hey Vincent:) stay strong k!” when I really needed it, which made my day.  I am sure he does this for everyone around him which makes the small seemingly simple act even more amazing.

Me, I couldn’t possibly be happier. I have met the most amazing group of people ever (Moses, Zach, Dennis, Marcus, Govind, Fae and Joy I’m talking about you guys, if you’re reading this!) and it’s always so fun whenever we hang! I was actually in a really dark place till we met. My whole world was completely changed by meeting these guys whom I never would have met, if I hadn’t delved back into the art of picking up girls on the street or social sky diving as we like to call it.

My point is simple, we all have our problems. We all have our reasons to give up. But one day, we’ll realize that there’s a reason for everything and that reason will define us, make us who we are.

Here’s a quote to wrap things up:

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born… and the day you find out why.

Sayonara folks.

P.S. 24th December, we’ll be walking around orchard road with mistletoe, bring your date if you want an excuse to get things rolling;)

Also, be sure to check out my latest piano cover. It probably isn’t perfect, since I don’t have any notes. I kinda just listen to the song, that add my own style into it when I play it. But hey, points for effort no?

Pain and I are slowly becoming one

“Get ready to dig deeply in 2013, Leo. You’re going into a phase of complete and total metamorphosis. This will require considerable self-analysis and probing into your past patterns, but all the work will be more than worth it. You’re on the verge of discovering just how powerful, strong and resilient you are at your very core. If you have ever doubted your strength, after 2013 you’ll never question your resourcefulness again.” 

I’m not one for this horoscope stuff but I can at least relate to this for once. 2013 is the year of pain for me.

It started with the pain of failure, when I realized I did not do as well as I expected for my A levels.

Then, the physical pain began, I tore two of my ankle ligaments, making it extremely painful to even walk. Following which, I broke my collarbone, and the once monotonous simplicities of life such as eating, typing on this keyboard and writing became a painful ordeal. Not to mention the 99999 jabs and blood tests I had to take prior to my surgery.

Don’t get me started on the emotional pain. I honestly admit, there are nights when I wake up out of nowhere, crying. My subconscious seemed to understand my pain, because my dreams made me cry, a lot. Losing a loved one can do that to a person. Losing two in the same week, well… you can imagine.

And now, my old friend pain has visited me again, in the form of Shingles. So basically, its a subsidiary of chicken pox that lies dormant in your body from the time you had chicken pox until enough stress or a weakened immune system activates the virus. The virus itself attacks the nerves of the body, causing ugly, snakeskin like bumps to appear. (Trust me, you don’t want to see it. But I can always whatsapp you the image if you are curious HAHA)

Let me describe the sensation to you. Whereas a cut or a bruise causes pain externally, Shingles attacks the nerves, causing electric shock-like sensations which cannot be ignored. Imagine red ants crawling over various parts of your body, biting down on you. The kind of bite that makes you jump. They bite, over and over, relentlessly, furiously. After a prolonged period of this pain, you start to lose the ability to focus on anything else completely. Sort of like forcing yourself to be distracted (by typing on your blog for example) But the ants never stop biting, onslaught after onslaught, they charge. Its now 624 AM and I haven’t slept since I woke up yesterday morning. But how can I? The moment I lay on my bed, I feel the ants. Its way too painful to sleep.

But then again, pain and I are starting to come to an understanding.

P.S. Lesson learnt, as soon as you see any rashes appear, go and see the doctor. I went a bit too late, and that’s the reason I’m in this terribly painful predicament today. Do not just put ointment and go to bed thinking everything will be okay tomorrow.