Author Archives: vincenity

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Post midnight ramblings Follow me on Instagram: Vincenity And Twitter: Vincenityy

Nadir

The gladiator leapt back in disbelief. He was the undisputed champion of the arena, with over fifty kills under his belt. Men feared to look him in the eyes, let alone face him in the ring. The very grounds of the colosseum he fought in was stained with the blood of his enemies.  And yet, here he stood, nearly decapitated by his foe’s latest swing.

Growing up, I was always a victim of my curiosity. My childhood revolved around exploring the vast confines of my backyard, capturing unfortunate creatures like frogs and lizards that happened to be in the vicinity and plucking out weeds, blades of grass and leaves of plants alike, much to the annoyance of my parents. However, it was not my endless curiosity that spurred me to spend long stints in my backyard, although it certainly brought me there, but my unfaltering tenacity once I set my mind on something.

As a child living in California, one of the myths I was led to believe was that it would be entirely possible to literally dig a hole through the centre of the Earth to China. After deciding that I would like to visit China (“Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat” played a big role in that decision), I ran into my father’s shed to grab a small handheld gardening shovel. I found myself a nice plot of unobstructed land and then, I dug.

The gladiator glanced down at his blade, and let out a chuckle at the hopelessness of the situation. Under normal circumstances, this fight would have ended ages ago. However, this was no normal fight. The nobles were bored of his swift decisive victories and decided to even the playing field for the other gladiators. In his hand was a dull and rusty blade, almost crumbling from its old age. The glare of the sunlight reflected by the rubies encrusted on the hilt of his opponent’s sword served to further remind him of the bleak predicament he was in. He let out a heavy sigh, stepped forward and swung his dilapidated sword.

I dug, and dug, and dug. Through stones and moist dirt and even worms, I dug. I dug until my arms ached and night fell, and I would just lay in a heap of exhaustion as I gazed upon the night sky blanketed with stars. I was still determined to get to China though, and so I would excitedly run up the hill from school the next day to continue on my epic quest. On the fourth day, I hit rock bottom. Literally. There was a giant rock in the way that wouldn’t give. In fact, hitting it produced sparks, which both fascinated me and frustrated me at the same time. With all the intelligence of an eight year old, I smashed the shovel against the rock, wanting to break it into smaller pieces so I could scoop it away. I kept hitting it, again and again and again. I never gave up until finally, the shovel was dented beyond use. It was for all intents and purpose, broken. That was when I called it quits. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.

And that was how I have lived my entire life. Never giving up, never giving in to my self-doubt. No matter how many times I find myself on the floor, I pick myself up and try again. That is, until I can no longer stand up. Only then do I call it quits. I never give up on my own volition but rather from a complete lack of any alternatives.

Blood infused sweat trickled down his arm. His weapon lay shattered in pieces on the ground beside him. It was over. He could no longer fight without a weapon against such a skilled opponent. He looked up into the sky and breathed in the cool spring air. Then he bowed his head, and accepted his fate.

A Needle in a Haystack

The man stood at the center of the forest, surrounded by nothing but acres upon acres of gnarled trees and the unforgiving darkness which threatened to engulf him. He was lost. Not the kind of lost that could be overcome by unwavering determination and sheer persistence but the kind of lost that leaves you frozen, so unsure of yourself that a single step creates tremendous doubt.

Beads of sweat glistened on the man’s face, illuminated by the tiny glimmer of pale moonlight which miraculously made it through the thick canopy. The man knew he was lost. He had known it for a long time.

For a while, the man had tried his hardest to escape the nightmare he was in. The more he relentlessly trod forward, the closer he seemed to be getting to civilization. It was only when he walked past the same oddly shaped rock for the third time did he realize that he had gotten nowhere. He was hopelessly and utterly lost.

And so he stood there. A lone figure among the mass of trees that made the forest, small and insignificant. A needle in a haystack.  In the distance an owl hooted, a single solitary cry that reflected the lonely situation he was in.

He knew he had to push forward, but the question is which way?

After cursing his luck for the situation he was in, the man took a deep breath. Slowly, he scanned his surroundings. The man took a step forward.

He was going to get out of this forest alive, or die trying.

The World We Live In

We live in a world that makes no sense.

A world where words have definition. yet no meaning at all.

We live in a world where we feel sad for the poor,

Yet walk past those who ask for but measly spare change.

We live in a world where we scorn racism,

Yet complain when surrounded by Indians or Filipinos.

We live in a world where females can hold great jobs and earn good money,

Yet expect them to end their day doing housework all the same.

We live in a world where we give freedom to love,

Yet cringe when we see two guys sharing kisses.

We live in a world where we can’t choose who we fall in love with,

Yet are told it’s not okay to date another race.

We live in a world where marriage is a vow,

Yet those oaths are shattered and spit on all the time.

We live in a world where people worship different benevolent deities,

Yet judge and cause hurt to those who did nothing wrong but not believe.

We live in a world where it is hypocritical to say one thing and do another,

Yet give people advice when we can’t even help ourselves.

We live in a world that makes no sense.

Long Distance Scares

Once again, I find myself sitting at my table, cup of coffee by my side. Everyone else is either sleeping or going to sleep. Except those twitterholics. They’re always up apparently. As usual, thoughts are crossing my mind. Emotional thoughts that engulf you and then move to the background of your mind just as quickly as they came. Making space for more emotional thoughts. This midnight madness is nothing new to me. But there’s one big difference. You’re not here.

You see, in days gone by, you would still be up with me. Sometimes, you would be by my side. If not, your name would be flashing constantly on my phone, like the annoying moths that seem to be everywhere these days. Oh how I miss the annoying moths. Now, the night is filled with your silence. Silence that is way too loud. All that’s left of you is the goodbye note I decided to tape to my table. Which reminds me, I better be careful with my coffee.

I know that you won’t be reading this anytime soon. I mean, how can you? While I’m stuck at my table, you’re tens of thousands of miles up in the air, preparing to embark on one of the most exciting journeys of your life.

It’s both a scary and heart wrenching experience, to be so far from the person you love. To be unable to reach out and grab their hand, to not have every vein in your body set on fire by their tender, loving touch. It’s weird to fall asleep when they’re wide awake and even weirder to wake up to their snores.

Will whatever we have stand the test of time and distance? Is seeing your adorable face on Skype going to be enough? These are the thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking but the more I push them back, the further they seem to invade my mind. Like the waves on a shoreline, one moment they are lapping gently against the sand and the next, they come crashing down relentlessly against the rocks high above.

I know the old cliché, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but there isn’t any space in my heart that isn’t filled with fondness for you.

So come back quick my love, and wake me up from this eternal nightmare.

Day one conquered.

Hundred and seven to go.

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Don’t You Just Hate Falling in Love?

I am sitting at my table, cup of Coffee by my side. It’s 2 AM in the morning. Everyone is sound asleep and there’s not a noise to be heard in miles. Well, except for the gentle hum of the computer as it processes so much at once. Or is that my brain?

Truth is, I’m still awake because of you. Or rather, the thoughts of you that run incessantly through my mind. Boy, do they need to stop.

See, I know you and I know that if you were reading this, there would be a hint of a smile on your smug little face.

But you should stop smiling because you have absolutely no reason to.

Because the inevitable truth is that I hate you.

I hate how much it hurts when you’re not around and I hate how happy I am when you are.

I hate the way your eyes shine and how your hair falls perfectly into place.

I hate how you can give me that goofy smile of yours and my heart just instantly melts.

I hate how every vibration on my phone makes me look for your name and I hate how much it makes me grin when I find it.

I hate how I count the seconds till we next meet and how many precious seconds we have left when we are together.

I hate how vulnerable you make me feel, yet safe and secure at the same time.

But most of all, I hate how much I love every ounce of my hatred towards you.

So maybe it’s time to face the cold hard truth.

I don’t hate you at all and well, I really hate that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Semi Open Letter for Those Who Have Lost Hope In Love

” Love is so pointless. You build up all these emotions, share all these amazing experiences and for what? It all comes crashing down eventually. Sure, you’re happy now, ecstatic even. But what happens when that chemistry dies down? When the masks come off and our real selves come out. Real selves that may not be very well received. I used to fool myself, telling people that this was different, that she was perfect for me but boy was I deluded. Even the strongest flame created by the brightest spark eventually turns to dust. “

 

These thoughts have haunted my mind for the longest time. In this period, I felt like a failure, like I was not good enough for the whole concept of love. I looked around me at all the couples, laughing at each other’s jokes, taking pictures and being silly. At first it was with envy, but soon it became a morbid sense of contempt and dismissal. “Soon, those faces will be covered with tears anyways.”

Every night, I would stay awake. Wondering what I did to deserve this horrible aching in my heart or the hollow emptiness that I could not escape from.

Eventually, I swore to myself that I would never ever fall in love again. I enclosed myself in my own shell.

But a turtle can only stay inside it’s shell for so long.

Yet, every single time I came out of it, every time I gambled my heart away yet again, I lost it all to a bad hand. There were always a few reasons why it wouldn’t work out, and even when it felt like it did, it didn’t. I started losing even more faith in love until I was so sure that it didn’t exist.

But I was wrong.

You see, love is an emotion, albeit a very powerful one, and emotions change all the time. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Girl after girl after girl I’ve dated or fling-ed with, and finally after what seems like eons, I can say I really found somebody perfect. I can say this without lying to myself, I can say this without wondering whether this perfection is only temporary.

I have found somebody who loves me for who I am, despite all my flaws and scars and somebody I can love with all my heart too.

The realist in me knows that we may not be together forever. Situations change and love is after all, just another illogical emotion.

But I have come to a simple conclusion. Love isn’t about being with one person forever, it’s not about growing old together or getting married. Those are all just one of the better results of love. Love is about caring for someone, being vulnerable and selfless despite knowing that it could end at any moment, despite knowing that you could get hurt, no, you will get hurt.

So, if you are lying on that bed, thinking sad thoughts and reminiscing on happy memories. If the pain tears through your soul and makes you want to cry out, rejoice. Rejoice for you have experienced love and all its entirety. The pain it brings as well as the warmth and comfort.

And know that love never escapes you. One day, you will find somebody else to love. Somebody else who loves you. And you will get hurt. You will find yourself lying on the same bed, thinking the same thoughts and reminiscing on happy memories yet again.

The process will repeat itself over and over until one day, you will find someone to grow old together with, someone to marry, and all the other romantic notions of love that you once held dear.

But for now, embrace the pain and misery. Smile at your own tears. Start going out and seeing new people. Find somebody else who you’ll build up all these experiences with, share all these precious moments. Come out of your shell and expose yourself. Be vulnerable and be selfless, care for that person with all your heart, even if he or she may one day hurt you.

Because that’s what love is all about.

Love,

Vincent.